Modern Interpersonal Relationships

In our complex modern society, many of us overlook the interdependence that sustains our daily lives. The intricate web of connections involved in bringing food to our supermarkets, from farmers to transportation, illustrates our profound reliance on one another. Yet the web is so complex that we can't see the interdependence. Instead, we take for granted that the food appears ready for purchase as if by magic. Instead of actively participating in our very survival, we are left to pursue activities that have nothing to do with our survival. We don't even have to look each other in the eye as we purchase our food for the week. Our current lives are a far cry from the self-sufficiency of hunter-gatherer societies, where immediate survival needs drove relationships. Additionally, most activities were purpose-filled, unlike today, where two hours spent playing Angry Birds, although entertaining, has no higher purpose other than enjoyment.

Ancient Interpersonal Relationships

Hunter-gatherer relationships were inherently linked to the necessities of life – cooperation for food and protection. The communal nature of these societies created a mutual dependence, with shared resources and skills enhancing survival chances. Proximity, familial ties, and a division of labor reinforced a sense of trust and cooperation crucial for survival. Everyone communicated and knew how each other was doing and what we were doing to help each other survive. The shared activities were often purpose-filled, which led to a greater sense of fulfillment.

Contrasting starkly with ancestral relationships that were once primarily familial and community-based, contemporary society fosters a diversity of connections, including friendships, romantic partnerships, and professional alliances, that don't have any connection to immediate or long-term survival. This disconnect can lead to problems in modern society. This post will cover why and what we can do to improve things.

Survival Rarely Goes Beyond the Family

Unlike the communal sharing of resources in hunter-gatherer times, today's society emphasizes individual and nuclear family economic independence. Providing for oneself and contributing to a household have become integral, introducing new challenges such as the delicate balance between work and personal life. To that end, many of us live through our days interacting with attendants, salespeople, and strangers without meaningful conversation or eye contact.

The Birth of Romance

The evolution of emotional intimacy stands out as a significant shift in modern relationships. In hunter-gatherer societies, survival needs often overshadowed individual emotions. Conversely, contemporary relationships prioritize shared emotions, empathy, and mutual support. The emergence of romantic love, focusing on emotional compatibility and personal fulfillment, represents a notable departure from the pragmatic considerations that governed relationships in the past. Many of us have lost intimacy with close friends after they become romantically involved, which would not have been the case in the distant past.

The Downsides of Modern Relationships

Despite these positive changes, modern relationships bring their own set of challenges. The absence of immediate survival concerns may lead to existential angst, with individuals seeking meaning beyond the practical aspects of life. I have written about eudaimonia here. It describes how striving toward meaning and a noble purpose beyond simple self-gratification leads to better physical and mental well-being. Additionally, free-floating anxiety, which can result from isolation, can lead to mass formation, which we witnessed during the pandemic. Those with mass formation turned on their fellow citizens. Read more about this condition in my post here. Additionally, the abundance of choices in the modern world introduces decision paralysis, making it challenging for individuals to commit, which leads to remorse after a choice is made. Lastly, as I have written about here, meaningful relationships are the best predictor of longevity.

Some Recommendations

As we navigate the complexities of modern relationships, it is essential to recognize the challenges that have emerged in our quest for personal fulfillment and emotional satisfaction. While the dynamics of hunter-gatherer relationships cannot be entirely replicated in the contemporary context, there are valuable lessons to be learned from our ancestors. Here are several recommendations to overcome modern challenges and infuse our relationships with elements reminiscent of the cooperative and interconnected bonds of hunter-gatherer societies:

Engaging With Your Community

In hunter-gatherer societies, people were highly connected to their communities and shared resources and responsibilities. In today's world, you can cultivate a sense of community by engaging with your neighbors, participating in local events, and joining social groups. Building strong community ties can create a support network similar to the close-knit relationships of our ancestors.

Prioritize Emotional Intimacy

In modern relationships, economic factors are important, but it's equally important not to let them take precedence over emotional intimacy. Setting aside time for meaningful conversations, sharing experiences, and being open about one's vulnerabilities can help establish deeper emotional connections. Prioritizing the emotional aspect of relationships can create a sense of unity similar to the emotional bonds found in hunter-gatherer communities. This advice goes for the person at the checkout counter as well as intimate friends.

Simplify Decision-Making

In today's world, we have an overwhelming number of choices that can make it difficult for us to commit to relationships, which can lead to decision paralysis, which hinders our ability to make a choice. However, we can simplify things by focusing on our core values and embracing simplicity. By doing so, we can streamline our decision-making process and prioritize genuine connections and shared values that will help us overcome the overwhelming number of choices and build relationships that align with our true selves.

Balance Independence and Interdependence

Achieving a balance between individual independence and relational interdependence is crucial for relationships in modern times. While economic independence is highly valued, it is equally important to acknowledge the significance of interdependence for emotional support and shared responsibilities. Collaboration was the key to success for hunter-gatherer societies, and finding a similar balance can strengthen the resilience and stability of modern relationships.

Embrace Nature and Simplicity

Hunter-gatherer communities had a deep connection with nature and found comfort and significance in the simplicity of their surroundings. In modern times, relationships can also benefit from reconnecting with nature, be it through outdoor activities, walks in green spaces, or spending quality time in natural environments. Embracing simplicity and reconnecting with nature can provide a grounding influence amidst the chaos of modern life. The Japanese embrace the practice of forest bathing or shinrin-yoku. You can read about the benefits here.

Practice Mindfulness and Presence

In today's world of constant digital distractions, it is important to practice mindfulness and be present in the moment because it is especially important for building genuine connections with others. During quality time spent with loved ones, it is essential to put away devices, actively listen, and be fully present in conversations. By intentionally focusing on the present moment, we can foster a depth of connection that mirrors the attentiveness characteristic of hunter-gatherer relationships.

Conclusion

Modern relationships can be challenging, but we can learn from the cooperative and interconnected bonds of hunter-gatherer societies to make our connections richer. To achieve this, we need to engage with our community, prioritize emotional intimacy, simplify decision-making, balance independence and interdependence, reevaluate our expectations, embrace nature, and practice mindfulness. By doing so, we can cultivate relationships that are not superficial but rather rooted in the interdependence and shared purpose that characterized our ancestral past, rediscovering the essence of human connection.